Amaranthine

“Asshole”   “Worthless”   “Egoistic” 
“Disrespectful”   “Faggot”

“Fatass”   “Pig”   “Buffalo”   “Mistake”

Everyone always says, words hurt. They do more than hurt. They damage. They break you. They crush your soul. Make you forget who you are. Take it from someone who has been called names all their life.

“Amaranthine” 

Means undying, immortal or eternally  beautiful. It also means a deep purple-red color.

Words leave scars. Scars that don’t heal. Only fade. But still hurt everyday. Words you said are bruises to my soul, amarathine bruises. Undying, deep purple-red bruises. They are etched to my soul, just like your betrayal. 

Don’t ever tell me my scars are beautiful. Stop saying that to everyone. Scars are not beautiful. They are no way near beautiful. They are reminders of pain. They are reminders of your defeat, everyone, every second, they only remind of betrayal. They fade, but they do not heal. My scars are not beautiful. They are only a proof that I survived, but barely. With every word you say, with every pitiful lie you give me. You add another bruise on my soul, another scar that cannot heal. An another amaranthine bruise. This is my story of words, that are undying to my ears.

“Asshole”  “Disrespectful asshole.” “Egoistic”

Funny, how people call you disrespectful all the time, when they don’t seem to even pretend to respect you. We grow up knowing fear, not respect. All our lives, or all my life (considering yours isn’t bad) I’ve only ever done something out of fear. Never respect. All I’ve ever heard, “Don’t you dare… It means you’re showing disrespect.” What is showing disrespect, talking back to someone who showed just insulted? Or is it defending oneself, is that disrespectful? You don’t just call me disrespectful and walk away. You are the one that hurt, insulted, humiliated me, destroyed my self confidence and still to feed your ego, you were right and I was disrespectful. Talking about ego, don’t you dare tell me, “What you think your better than us? We made you this and you think you’re better?” No, I don’t think I’m better. No I’m not trying to be better than you, although you in very humanely way at l least I’m better than you in being a kind human. I’m just being myself, I’m sorry if you feel threatened by me, when I’m only being myself. I’m sorry if I hurt your ego, by being me and still I’m supposed to be egoistic. I’m supposed to be the one who always does the wrong thing and doesn’t apologise. Somehow I’m the only person, trying to show how much better I am than everyone else. Don’t tell me, “This girl is gone out of hand.” Only because I am brave enough to stand up against your nonsense and defend myself. Fear and respect never go hand in hand. You need to earn respect, it is not something that comes automatically. Respect me and I shall do the same. Disrespect me, insult me and still expect me to respect you, then I will show you, how ‘respectful’ I am. Not.

“Worthless” 

What am I? A slave? Are you bidding my value? Are you saying I’m not worth it and that’s why you do treat me like a slave? You know. You don’t get to decide my worth, I don’t care who you are. My worth is not how much marks I get, my worth is not how good I am at sports. My worth is not my promotion at work. My worth is not my capability of managing my relations. To you I may be worthless, but to me, I’m worth it all. You have no rights to decide my worth. You cannot compare me to your friend’s girlfriend and tell me I’m worthless. You cannot compare me to your friend and tell me I’m worthless. You cannot compare to your friend’s kids and tell me I’m worthless. You don’t own me. If you are so interested competing with others, based on who has got better people in their life, you can leave those people out of your little compition and maybe go to a horse raise and compete. 

I have been called much worse. All of which affected me more than anyone thought it would. To all those people who make comments on other and say it was a joke, there is a special place in hell for you. Someone very close to me once said, “It’s not what people say, it’s what it ticks off, inside you.” You don’t know what is going on in someone’s life, then what makes you think you can anything to them? You don’t know the damage you’re doing when you speak harsh words. 

Words have power, they are eternal, they can never be taken back. They are daggers to your heart. Words can drown, don’t doubt it’s ability to. Words do more than just leave scars. Words are damaging. I was broken when people called me names. They don’t know what I feel when they say. Worthless. That’s exactly what I felt with all the name calling. It took me so long to find myself again. I can still hear the echos of your voice. They are my worst nightmare. They beckon me to darkness. They have left scars. My soul, is eternal, just like those scars and bruises. I still wake up shouting and see an reopened scar, again turning onto a deep purple-red bruise, to an amarathine bruise, an eternal bruise.

No one has the right to steal away someone’s self confidence, no one has the right to make them believe their nothing but a loser. I lost all my confidence. I didn’t even believe in myself anymore and no one should ever feel that way. So don’t you dare tell me I’m worthless again. Don’t you dare say that to anyone else again. To you I may be nothing but to someone else I may be their entire galaxy and to me, I’m my everything. I’m the only thing I’ve got.  

This is my story of how words have left me in pieces, have shattered my soul.